"It's stupid to be next to a man who is generally good, but offends you all the time." (With)
I have this letter:
Katya, hello.
I’ll immediately identify the topic that worries me: my man is chatting with other women on dating sites and social networks. Not just like that, not for the sake of communication, but for the sake of, let’s say, unbridled flirtation with a continuation.
I caught him many times in far from innocent correspondence with girls - online and on the phone. On a not at all innocent correspondence. A couple of times I was practically caught on the way out to meet these girls. Scandals, checks, attempts to talk about what is missing, why he is doing this - it is useless. This has been going on for almost a year now. He promises not to write, and then he thinks that I won’t find the smartest one, and writes again. We live together, sex is normal, 3 times a week (I’m 31, he’s 38). What is he missing?
We decided to break up, but I keep thinking, maybe I’m a fool and exaggerating everything. Although it seems to me that I am justifying him and he simply doesn’t care about me.
I feel like a complete idiot, and I am very ashamed to be in such a situation. It's painful, and somehow stupid.
We met a little over a year ago. He didn’t show much initiative, but I liked him, and usually if I set a goal for myself, I try to achieve it and most often I come. So here too - I decided (I’ll call a spade a spade) that I needed a family life (before that I lived alone for a long time, worked a lot), and here he is, a potential prince. Well, I lured him in :) So, we moved in together.
I completely sincerely fascinated him; I wanted ordinary, normal, warm human relationships. We lived quietly with him for three months, I trusted him, everything was fine, sex, calls “I’m leaving work, what to buy,” communication at home. We have different interests, and our attitudes to life are quite different, but I liked it, it was interesting to me - you can’t sit in your usual cocoon all the time.
And then, a few months later, I wanted to look at the time on my phone (with him), but I ran into an SMS from a girl.
This is normal for me, I would not assume any trick in a different situation. Only the SMS was so-so-so, cute, how are you, when are you coming? I immediately opened everything else. It turned out that he did not want to meet with her (he wrote to her that he had no time, and all that), but he corresponded with all his might - and she clearly did not know that he had someone.
I felt very unpleasant. I asked him who it was and why he needed all this.
He said that, like, bullshit, the girl got attached. I suggested that he write to her that he has a girlfriend (or simply reduce the correspondence to something innocent, and not such open flirting). He said that it was somehow stupid to write about a girl out of the blue, and that he would nullify the correspondence.
I decided not to make a big deal, just to see what would happen. He seems to have negated it.
Only then she wrote one night, and it became clear that this was how they communicated. My nerves couldn’t stand it, I wrote her a message asking her to write to Artyom during the day, and not when we were sleeping. After that, she didn’t write anymore, I seemed to have calmed down, but in vain.
A month later I saw a text from another girl. He looked at this SMS right in front of me, I didn’t rummage through his phone and didn’t specifically look for anything.
I asked who it was - in my opinion, a completely normal question.
He could have simply said that this was an acquaintance, and that’s all, but he said that this was a colleague, and at the same time he began to get out of it somehow strangely, it was clear that it was a lie.
I immediately opened Facebook, looked for her, and said that there was no need for me to hang noodles on my ears, she was not a colleague.
My God, what a scandal there was about the fact that how dare I take it straight out and check everything, and not trust what he says. I also made a scandal about why some unknown girls were writing in the middle of the night again. In general, we had a fight and made up.
At the same time, he has girlfriends with whom he communicates, calls him up, tells me about them, and everything is fine - I think it’s normal to communicate with familiar men and women. And here is a specific lie, although, in theory, they didn’t have time to have any sex.
And I was carried away. I looked at the history of visiting sites - and was shocked. There, every day I watch porn sites (in principle, I’m fine with this, but every day there are 50 pages? And we have normal sex).
So, porn sites - it’s as if you can’t just jerk off to something, but look at all the girls there, plus dating sites - every day, correspondence “oh, I live alone, maybe we should have coffee.”
Moreover, according to my feelings, it never came to a meeting there. I decided to check how limited it really is to virtual communication. I made an account, contacted him on behalf of a pretty naiad, and agreed on coffee. In general, I listened at home to how he was lying about urgent work and having to leave for three hours. Of course, I told him that the naiad was me, and there was no need to go anywhere. I made a scandal, he made excuses. In general, complete nonsense.
Well, that’s it, it continued like this - he promised me that he wouldn’t do it again, he stopped corresponding on one network (or with one girl) and switched to something else. I caught it. Scandalous again. He promised again. A couple of times I practically caught it at the last moment before a possible meeting. In general, it's really some kind of nonsense. I stopped trusting him a long time ago, it was insulting, painful, I wanted to understand whether he was such a liar in principle, or whether he was lying to me personally, what was he missing?
She asked this way and that - maybe I don’t like me, maybe there’s something missing in sex - what’s wrong, can we somehow agree, what the hell is going on, really. Katya, you can laugh, but I really thought that a person had formed a certain habit over his previous life and now we need to talk, explain that there are other options for developing relationships, and that you can build a relationship with a loved one differently, and not just fuck someone fresh for a month meat and jump to a new one.
Moreover, if you don’t know about these correspondences, then he is just the perfect man - he’ll stop by the store, and wash the dishes, and everything is in its place, and no socks under the sofa - he loves order very much. I personally know women who don’t react to their men’s spree, but I can’t do that, this is not my model of behavior at all.
In general, we agreed that I have passwords for all his social networks, emails and generally everything where there are passwords - as proof that he does not lie to me and does not correspond with anyone.
I, Katya, feel, firstly, a domestic tyrant, and secondly, a complete idiot who has not yet escaped from pure idiocy.
And this is also pointless - he still writes compliments to the girls and does laundry. He thinks I don't see. Today we quarreled again and agreed that he would pack his things and adju this evening. But I still don’t understand why he does this? Does he really care about me that much?
He knows he's hurting me, but he continues. What is he proving and to whom?
Am I doing the right thing by wanting to end this strange relationship? Maybe I should have tried something else - this thought haunts me. Let go, don’t interfere, don’t check? I can't, it hurts. I don’t want to think that maybe he just got off some girl and now he’s walking around smiling at me. I can not. Maybe I did everything wrong and I'm completely stupid?
I decided not to shorten the letter. Something tells me that the problem is typical.
But what I’m going to talk about is not at all what it might seem.
Well, yes, I could write a long post on the topic “what an asshole he is.”
But there is no need to write about it. Yes, he is an asshole, that’s clear. Moreover, he is exactly what can be called a manipulator. With all these hackneyed schemes, like “planting potential rivals” and so on.
Because simply not loving a person (and he, of course, doesn’t love her) is one thing, but that’s what honesty and human attitude towards a partner are for: I don’t love you, I don’t want you, leave.
And to accept care, to see how a partner torments himself, and at the same time like this, meanly, “you suffer, go crazy, flounder, I see it, but I’m not going to change anything, I’ll live with you for now, but I’ll see: what else is there on the side there is good." - This is completely different.
This is bestiality. Bestiality, cowardice and manipulation.
Here, let's say, is a wonderful marker in a letter (although it is generally full of markers):
“I asked this way and that - maybe I don’t like me, maybe there’s something missing in sex - what’s wrong, can we somehow agree, what the hell is going on, really.” (With)
Absolutely typical confusion of one partner, the very thing “asked this way and that.” She is already spinning like a top and trying to speak to him in the language of “person to person.”
And what does he get in response? And he gets the folklore cat Vaska, who listens and eats.
In short, just in case, I’ll remind you of what I already wrote about: trying to come to an agreement with a manipulator is obviously a failure. A normal partner with all these conversations will simply twist himself into a spiral even more and will inevitably break himself in fruitless attempts to understand “what am I doing wrong.”
Yes, that's it. I just contacted the wrong person.
Therefore, yes, such, to put it mildly, hysterical relationships must be stopped. They are destructive and will not lead to anything good. Unless, of course, you consider the clinic of neuroses a good ending.
In general, the topic was closed with my partner. All clear. Stay away. The further, the better.
* * * * *
And now we will talk about something else. About why we end up in unsuccessful relationships, and why we so often hold on to unsuitable or morally destroying partners to the last.
I would especially like to emphasize that we will not even talk so much about couples in which one of the partners is a manipulator and abuser - that’s what I’m talking about anyway
We'll talk about failed relationships in general. These are the ones when “he’s actually good, but for some reason he offends me all the time.”
Offends you with anything: words, indifference, inappropriate attitude.
In short, about all relationships where we want a little more, but for some reason we alwaysWe don't get enough.
And also about all relationships of the form“He’s actually good, not quite my thing, of course, but what can you do, you have to take what you have, suffer, but hold on.”
And what... do you know how many such letters I have!
I’ll retell one thing from memory. There was a girl there, 24 years old, and the girl had a boy of about the same age. And now the girl was at a crossroads: on the one hand, she was pushing the boy hard on the topic of “living together and the registry office,” and on the other hand, she herself understood that the boy was very problematic and that she was somehow lost.
The boy didn’t strive for anything there, didn’t want to work, spent his life playing shooting games, sex was “nothing”, the boy was frankly of zero use, and in general she listed so many things there that it was enough for her to re-read this letter herself to forget about the boy once and for all.
But no! At the end, the girl wrote a wonderful phrase, saying, I understand that he has all these shortcomings, but what if I can’t find a better one?
And I thought: damn! Yes, the whole boy there is made up of shortcomings, and in order not to find a better one, you have to live on a desert island, by God.
Because she is better than him, with all of the above - for her, every first one can really be. Only she stubbornly refused to accept it.
* * * * *
You know, women are kind of bourgeois. In the sense that we are all, almost all, creatures, in fact, very pragmatic and down-to-earth. We often don’t show it or even fully realize it, but it’s true.
It’s men who can pick a million red roses, climb onto balconies and do other romantic nonsense. And women, of course, are pleased with this. But…
The thing is that women urgently need to nest.
While the man is recklessly tearing roses, she (even the most romantic one) is thinking about how and where, in connection with all this, she can arrange a nest and what feathers to cover it with. Everything is logical, yes. The chicks need to be hatched somewhere.
“Nest” is the main thing that is embedded in a woman’s subcortex.
And everything should be in the nest. And in their places. No, of course, love and all that is often present in this too, but... not at the core, let’s say.
Mentally, it looks like this: a woman, having barely emerged from romantic feelings, begins to feel the space nearby, to see if “everything is in place”: “Here are my plates, here are my spoons, here are my towels, here are my sheets and pillows... sooo, Here is my man... in place? In place... here are my earrings, here is my chest of drawers..."
Do you understand, right? By and large, a man in a woman’s life often takes a place between the spoons and the chest of drawers. That is, it must be, and must be in place.
Therefore, a 24-year-old girl (already a ready-made woman) is not ready to take and remove an unsuitable man from her life like that. Because in the nest, next to the lovingly folded sheets and pillows, there should be one more indispensable attribute - a man. Here it is like this, no, it doesn’t really suit, but still, it’s calmer when you have all the objects in your interior.
When a woman gets older, but lives alone for a long time, things still get worse.
And here it is: “So here too - I decided (I’ll call a spade a spade) that I needed a family life (before that I lived alone for a long time, worked a lot), and here he is, a potential prince. Well, I lured him... I completely sincerely told him I was charming, I wanted ordinary, normal, warm human relationships." (With)
Yes, the woman decided to build a nest. Here are my spoons...
And she didn’t have anyone for a long time, but nature demands its own: and I’m not even talking about sex, it’s just that the real point is that you need to live.
And then appeared on the horizon attribute man.
And with it came euphoria: finally not alone, finally there is someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk, who creates the appearance of caring.
A man appeared, gave emotion, the woman began to burn. And twist with triple force.
But since it burns alone, the heat produced is so... incomplete.
But how does a woman reason? If it’s not complete, then we’ll tolerate it here, patch it up here, and pretend that this is how it should be.
In general, as my mother once said about a torn skirt: “Walk fast - you can’t see it.”
In short, from the ensuing euphoria of “finally not being alone,” a woman’s criticality in assessing what is happening is greatly reduced, and the value of the closest found partner itself is overestimated.
Moreover, it is often overestimated not even by the partner (although sometimes this happens, especially if the partner has manipulative tendencies), but by the woman herself.
This is a moment that women are often unable to track.
And the woman, for the sake of possessing this artificially created value, begins to endure things that, in other circumstances, she might not have tolerated. For example, if she were a little more in demand and changed men like gloves, she would know exactly how good she feels and what she doesn’t need to endure.
My friend Tanya, who was in a very unsuccessful relationship for almost two years, broke out of it and analyzed a lot.
You know what Audrey Hepburn said:"Living is like running through a museum. And only then do you begin to truly realize what you saw, think about it, consult books and remember - because you cannot accept it all at once."
So it was with her too. When her nightmare relationship ended, Tanya realized a lot.
And so she told me about one episode. When she was with her, dare I say it, ghoul at a concert.
She said, you know, Katya, then we came to the club, stood, listened, and I looked around and realized: only girls. And almost all without men.
And I felt so high, there was even a feeling of superiority inside, or something, there was somethingHere I am with a man... and I will not, like all of them, trudge home alone.
At the same time, Tanya is a very smart girl, smart and pragmatic. But here it is.
I managed to fall into a typical psychotrap. Which she partly set up for herself. She realized it later, that it was a trap, yes. A woman feels a little more valuable when there is a man nearby.
This psychotrap has ruined many women's destinies.
My mother always said: “You should never hold on to anyone, there will always be the next one.” And she lived with a drunk all her life. She also fell into this trap.
* * * * *
Well... the woman falls into a trap and then the pure classic begins: “Well, I’ve been on my own for so long, and now I seem to have the semblance of a family, and in general we seem to live normally, and what else do we need?” , let us have problems, but he is nearby...”
And what else do we like to tell ourselves?
As a result, there seems to be happiness, and we persuade ourselves into this supposed happiness... only this artificially created happiness is very bitter and fragile, like a crystal vase. It sits beautifully on the shelf, although you have to take it in your hands very carefully, and, God forbid, don’t pour water into it or put flowers in it - and so it leaks, or even, God forbid, it breaks.
Conducts correspondence? Going on dates? This hurts me. This is not normal...
What if this is normal? What if it just seems abnormal to me? Maybe this is the norm and I'm just stupid? Put my vase back in its place, it stood there so beautifully!
And yes, fear prevents you from adequately assessing your relationship with such a partner.
Moreover, the fear is not even loneliness. It's just hard to leave with a beautiful but useless vase with hope for the nest.
And we convince ourselves that the chances of building a new one are few, but this one is all around positive. He acts like a bestial, yes... But he’s so positive!
“Moreover, if you don’t know about these correspondences, then he’s just the perfect man - he’ll stop by the store, and wash the dishes, and everything is in its place, and no socks under the sofa - he loves order very much.” (c)
And such everyday trifles, which, in fact, are the norm for an ordinary person, begin to be identified by a woman as a great dignity of a man.
For the sake of which a woman is ready to endure the rest of the nightmare.
I’m saying that there is no criticality.
* * * * *
Getting out of unsuccessful relationships is often difficult not even because “the person is loved” (I’m actually writing a separate post about “beloved ones” now, it’s a topic for a dissertation).
It’s most often difficult to leave because “you’ll have to start all over again.”
We must abandon this lovingly nurtured nest and fly to build a new one.
Because a person (anyone) is lazy.
We came up with a TV remote control so we don't have to get out of bed. And washing machines, so as not to bother with the laundry.
Few people would go to work if they had money “just like that.” We would lie on the sofa and spit at the ceiling, even languishing with boredom.
So it is here. Leaving one relationship means thinking about new ones.
And what are the new ones?
This is a search, this is going somewhere again, looking, communicating, talking, reviewing a bunch of people on the subject of “suitable or not suitable”, and then inevitably building something new. And here, it seems like, even though it’s a shitty little nest, it’s already a well-fed one.
And we turn into the elephants from the joke: “wow, we don’t need it.”
That's why we endure for so long. We don’t want to destroy the zone of comfort, albeit very shaky. Well, never mind that the vase is leaking and you can’t put flowers in it. But how beautiful it is on the shelf!
“I personally know women who do not react to their men’s sprees.” (c)
Women who do not react to spree are women with a broken psyche and substituted concepts. But they cling too tightly to that same nest of broken vases.
* * * * *
And finally, about “favorites”. Oooh, this is a common theme in failed relationships!
“He’s so dear to me, and we have such an understanding... and if something happens, then where else will I find something like that?”
Yes, women often focus on the wrong things. Because it would be correct to clarify here: what is this? The kind that makes you feel bad?
Well, guys, what I understood when I was thirty-three, I understood clearly and unconditionally: potentially a lot of relatives.
There are three billion men on earth. Is this really the last of the possible relatives? One in three billion?
And yes, it seems that this one is so cool (well, except that it hurts next to him), and this will never happen again. Will! Only without pain.
And with the next one there will be the same mutual understanding and all that. And it will probably be even better. This is natural. We attract people who are similar to us.
This also works for men: don’t tolerate unsatisfactory relationships, there will always be the next one! And it won't be any worse with her.
You just need to get out of your neurosis and look around.
Someone will definitely fill the empty space.
Relationships should be without neurosis!
* * * * *
In general, I already wrote a lot.
But I want to end with a phrase that once really put my brain in place.
I read it during a difficult period of my life. She was very bitter and... cool at the same time.
And I decided and tested it on myself. And it works.
This phrase is: “If you are afraid of losing someone, lose them already and don’t be afraid.”
Lose and don't be afraid. Because tolerating and being afraid is not life.
Hello, dear readers! Today we will look at the topic of online flirting by our husbands: why a husband corresponds with other girls on the Internet, and what to do about it.
In fact, we were simply horrified when we discovered how many women suffer from such a male, seemingly “harmless” habit of messaging other girls on the Internet. And there are not one or two such women, and not even a couple of hundred. There are thousands of them!!! Therefore, let's try to figure out together what attracts men to online flirting.
To begin with, we decided to figure out what “flirting on the Internet” is? How to distinguish it from simple communication, and why does it arise at all? For this purpose, we registered on various women's forums, and under the guise of a woman who had caught her husband engaging in such an obscene activity, we asked for advice from forum members and even psychologists.
We didn’t even expect how much resonance our “problem” would cause, and how many different points of view we would receive in response. Including advice on how to resolve this situation.
What is online flirting?
So let's get back to our question. Most women define “online flirting” as communication between a man and a woman based on sexual attraction. That is, as we all understand, flirting is a kind of communication game based on the manifestation of sexual feelings. And an intellectually friendly conversation based on interests is clearly not included here.
Why did your husband start this double game and look for such acquaintances on the Internet, and what should you do? Most likely, you, like most other women, are asking the same question: “doesn’t he understand that he’s hurting me?!” Hmm, in fact, this is a rhetorical question, since, as practice has shown, not a single man has yet given an adequate answer. Judge for yourself:
Maria, 27 years old:
« My husband constantly corresponds with other women inInternet! He knows that this is unpleasant for me. I was removed from the network several times, but thenstarted it upnew account.Speaks, What is thisonlycommunication, nothingOvaluebinding and non-binding. But this is wrong. ETAndconstantlyse flirting, constant flirting with mevery annoying!!! Msalso by chancemet on the phone.At first it'sSamewasjust a chatting…ANow we live together...»
Vlada, 24 years old:
"WITHI see I’m not the only one with this situation.. I don’t know what to do, I even wanted to leave...TI discovered that my boyfriend is on social media. network comments on the photos which— then chickens...Gives virtual giftsgifts, and so on…Uwas making a scandal, and hespeaks, that it's just communication, and what is she in generalanotherlives in the country..INkind of calmed down a little, Let's, I say, diverge, and he -No, doesn't want...INeven now I don’t know what to do, mostleavewhether. .. »
Marina, 22 years old:
« Mine leftunclosed mail, I couldn’t resist and looked in. And there “I miss you so much, honey”some girl. I went nuts. Husband, let’s make excuses, but I was just shaking. And how did she become the sun for him in just a week of dating?!»
Yulianna, 22 years old:
"Moh futuremhe often sits on social networks,ATodayIfound ICQ on my computer, about the existence of whichevendidn't suspect. II read something like this...INvirtual sex with different chickens...MI was shaking created a scandal and heto me:sorry, this will not happen again, And, type, it's all frivolous. INgenuse Howdeleted everything but where is the guarantee, that this won't happen again, and what will not change at all???Blin what to do— That?Mless than a week before the wedding, when will I remember- allshaking...»
Why does my husband meet people on the Internet?
So, one wonders, why don’t they, men, live quietly, calmly, next to their darling wife? And always at your side: flirt, I don’t want to! But no, he’s still pulling to the side. This begs the second question, why do they do this? There could be many reasons for this. Again, members of the forum shared with us their opinion on where such a situation comes from. Here are some women's views on the current situation.
- Some are inclined to believe that every man is polygamous by nature. And such online correspondence with other girls helps him assert himself. That is, to believe in your ability to please women, even while in a relationship (but they carefully hide this fact from their Internet girlfriends!), and thereby amuse your male pride.
Anna, 33 years old:
« My husband constantly corresponds with someonein the Internet. That's how men are - they always need to assert themselves.I know there are a lot of women there, but I don't have time to worry about it. Because a person needs to communicate not only at work and at home.And certainly not only with my wife.If he wanders off somewhere after work, and then maybe... when he comes home - this is stressful! And so, well, let him communicate. Well, he flirts a little, so you won’t get his attention?»
Sasha, 24 years old:
“For several years now I have been experiencing a similar situation, frivolous virtual communication of my beloved with other women, which does not turn into physical... The problem arises, then is solved through experiences and a bunch of emotions, then arises again... In my opinion, men are designed in such a way that they I want to be a “Don Juan” in the eyes of many women. Thus, self-affirmation of one’s own male self occurs...”
- Other women assume that the husband communicates with girls on the Internet solely out of idleness. That is, the man is left to himself, he has no worries or hassle...
Galina, 29 years old:
"MMy husband is so tired from work that all he has to do is have dinner and get to bed. And on weekends - family matters, children, entertainment. In short, all this is due to idleness!»
Oksana, 34 years old:
"One prewritten, means there is a lot of free time,Andhe's just bored.Here you cansomething else to do. Find extra income or get involved in some kind of sport together, For example."
- Some members of the forum consider this fact as one of the ways of entertainment. Like, nothing bad, it’s still virtual, what’s criminal here?
Tanya, 34 years old:
“And this is his way of entertainment. We corresponded, laughed, reminisced and that’s it. I also sometimes correspond with exes, nothing serious. This should be regarded as how old acquaintances met in classmates and that’s all. I don’t think you don’t communicate with your (male) classmates, your husband can also come up with something…”
Lera, 27 years old:
"ABOUT,reallyAWith!Pis being rewritten! Aren't you afraid to let your husbands go outside?Aride in public transport?Ato work?Ato the store? Or do you keep walking andwatch out? At least he's heresitting at the computerand no more. Leave the man alone and let him have some fun!”
- And finally, most women assume that the main reason for this behavior of men is hidden somewhere in the family relationships of the spouses: once upon a time someone didn’t give something to someone, didn’t prove it, didn’t say it, didn’t do it, etc. further, and the like. That is, a man is trying to find in correspondence with another woman something that he cannot find in a relationship with his real passion.
Lydia, 35 years old:
"ISingle, I amin search. Hoften in internetI run into married peoplewhichAlthoughT Justbe friends, but always« something there» peeingT. I can only say one thing, they allThere isonegeneralThe problem is unhealthy family relationships.ANDDoes your wife care?, and they don’t actually live together, orthem spitfor wivesy,and heronethemjustnot enough. So it turns out that if I want it, it’s worth itI'll just whistleyeah, and all of themlet's gallopwith me,dropping slippers, on a datee… »
Anna, 27 years old:
"ZstartT, wifehas become completely uninteresting for her husband - so she’s paying for it…»
Maria, 31 years old:
« If the husband is not seen in endless trips to the left, but only communicates through correspondence, then you need to think: why doesn’t he communicate with his beloved wife instead of gatherings on the Internet?! Probably because with my wifeorabout nothing,orno reason. And here it’s no longer a matter of availabilityTvii correspondence with exes, and in family relationships in general. If your husband is not interested in you, then you can monit until you lose your pulseOreview the sites he visits. This will definitely not increase his interest in you...»
Here are the 4 most relevant reasons. If women can somehow come to terms with three of them and close their eyes to something, then with the last one it is generally not clear what to do.
By the way, psychologists are inclined to believe that it is family problems that push men to online flirting. Often unresolved and even undetected. Experts in the field of family relationships say that if your husband is chatting with other women on the Internet, and this is bothering you, then you should first take a look at your marital relationship.
Here are some tips on what to do if your husband is flirting on the Internet:
- At the very beginning, you should calm down and think about everything seriously. Analyze the situation: is everything in order in your relationship? Perhaps you are suppressing him in some way, or maybe, on the contrary, you are not participating in his life and interests? Are you satisfied with the intimate side of the issue? Do you devote a lot of time to each other, and when do such Internet forays of your spouse occur most often?
If you notice a certain cyclical pattern in his behavior, for example, you are in a quarrel and he is “hanging” on the Internet, or one of you is on a business trip, and he is on the Internet again, then your spouse’s clear position can already be seen here. Here you can and should fight for your family happiness. If he constantly spends time texting, regardless of any circumstances, then this, according to experts, is already a pathology. And here you may need the help of a psychologist.
- Talk to your spouse: why does your husband flirt online. Psychologists do not specify how you will talk: calmly or emotionally and with a scandal. Of course, they remind you that we are all civilized people, we live in the age of communication and oratory, etc., etc., but they still do not say that a calm conversation will lead you in the right direction. Apparently, among psychologists there are also women who understand what emotional release is, and even, it seems, with a number of similar problems J
In general, how you will sort things out is your purely personal prerogative. If you think that your husband will hear you better to the accompaniment of breaking plates, or his hearing will be sharpened while he is dodging frying pans, then well, the matter, like your husband, is yours. And you have every moral right to do so.
But if you are a highly moral and peace-loving person who values your nerves (well, and your husband’s nerves, to be sure), then it will be much more constructive for you to conduct a dialogue in a calm atmosphere with a glass of Valocordin (because if you are going to talk with your husband on this topic, then it worries you, and, most likely, you are unlikely to be able to restrain yourself for a long time).
The most important thing is to get an answer to the questions that concern you: why and why he started this double game. Try to find out what doesn’t suit him in family life, what he lacks. The ideal option is when the spouse himself tells you the real reasons for his behavior. Then all the cards are in your hands: you can safely fix the problem. What if he fusses and avoids answering in every possible way? Then you will have to puzzle over the problem yourself. The next point is for you.
- Try to convey to your spouse the fact that you are unpleasant about his behavior. Explain (again in ways acceptable to you J) that such correspondence causes you pain, deprives you of spiritual balance and emotional stability. Tell him that your trust has been broken.
Try to pull the blanket over yourself and force him to look at the situation through your eyes. Let him try to imagine that you are also flirting on the Internet with strangers. Try to get him to react: is it pleasant for him to be in this position? Is he satisfied with this course of affairs?
Ask your spouse what he puts higher in his value system: you or virtual girlfriends. Is he ready to give up such communication for the sake of you and peace in your family?
Again, it’s important for you to decide for yourself: are you categorically against any communication between your spouse and the opposite sex, or are you specifically against flirting. If we are talking exclusively about flirting, then tell your husband that you are absolutely not against communicating with women, but within a moral and ethical framework.
Usually, according to psychologists, such a conversation is enough for a man who loves his woman and his family. Either he really “comes to his senses” and stops correspondence, or he hides it with special care. So as not to worry your beloved wife and not upset the balance of trust in the family.
If such communication did not produce any results, and you again caught your husband chatting with other women on the Internet, then you should use heavy artillery, that is, move from words to deeds.
- So, watch your spouse: what is he missing? Try to flirt with him yourself, to add some newness to your relationship. After all, as you know, men are excited by novelty, which they search for on the Internet. Also try to return the former excitement to your relationship via online correspondence or via SMS\MMS messages.
- If such tactics do not help, then try flirting with other men on the Internet as an experiment. Again, watch his reaction. Maybe elementary jealousy will provoke him to stop such situations on his part.
- The option of filling your husband’s leisure time cannot be ruled out, unless, of course, flirting occurs exclusively during working hours at the workplace and away from your eyes. Spend time together more often, travel, arrange evenings and weekends “without gadgets,” or even agree that your family members spend all evenings together, with only TV and a microwave (or whatever your heart desires, most importantly, no phones\ tablets\computers\laptops and other communication “assistants”).
In the absence of positive dynamics, psychologists recommend contacting a family psychologist, because, apparently, such a pathology cannot be cured with improvised means.
But again, this is only if this whole situation has not completely exhausted you, and you are ready to continue to fight for your happiness. Otherwise, this is not your man and not your story, since such a man, on a subconscious (and perhaps even on a completely conscious) level, is looking for a replacement for you, and, accordingly, for your family relationships. So the question is, do you need this constant struggle for a person who doesn’t care about your trust, your family and you in general?
By the way, most members of the forum agree with psychologists: you need to drive such a man away if his moral principles radically diverge from yours.
Well, naturally, there are ladies who recommend turning a blind eye to the polygamous behavior of their man and looking for all sorts of excuses for him, just to save the family and their nerves. As they say, as many women as there are so many opinions. Well, what can you do, the question is really controversial. What you are willing to do for the sake of your family is up to you to decide. Well, we wish you honesty in relationships, sincere love and faithful partners!
The modern world cannot be imagined without Internet. You can find anything there: entertainment, work, communication. Social networks and dating sites are especially popular, where people find acquaintances, friends, classmates and even new love. But what to do if this “ communication» does your significant other use? What should you do if your husband constantly communicates with girls on websites? What if such correspondence develops into something more? At the same time, your chosen one assures you that he is simply interested in the conversation as such, that he simply wants to expand his circle of contacts. How to be in this situations?
The question is very sensitive and quite common. Of course, girls and women who face such problem, cause sympathy, because they are very unpleasant about this attitude of their chosen one. However, sympathy also appears for the man who is also involved in this problem.
Family is a single system. Of course, each of us personality and can exist separately from the other, but in a family a man and a woman become one. If one of them is dissatisfied with something, feels resentment, loneliness, misunderstanding, then the balance is upset, and the other also suffers. Man begins to experience feelings of guilt, shame, and so on.
What's really going on? First of all, this image conflict between the natural basis of man and the norms and morals that are established by society. This is a contradiction between “I want it this way” and “I have to.” Nature arranges it in such a way that a man, like a man, women, the most active driving force is considered to be sexual energy. Men have much more of this energy. And that's quite normal. Due to the fact that this energy constantly accumulates, it must be released, at least in small portions. This situation should be distinguished:
A situation where a man simply communicates via the Internet;
The situation when a man begins to prescribe meetings in the real world.
If he is simply corresponding with girls, then in this way he releases his sexual energy.
Experts offer several options solutions to the current problem.
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Don't focus your attention on this.
However, in this case, the woman will accumulate resentment, anger, anger. And someday it will all spill out. This energy will be released through nitpicking: “Where were you? Why did you stay late? Where's the money? Why are things scattered?" and so on. All aggression will burst out. But if she speaks untruthfully, through criticism, then the relationship will simply fade away. It is necessary to directly tell your chosen one what does not suit you, and not relieve tension by splashing out aggression. In some cases, women try to suppress this dissatisfaction, withdraw into themselves, and worry everything inside. And if the energy does not find a way out, then psychosomatic problems may develop. disorders. Aggression will be directed at oneself, resulting in problems with health: stomach ulcers, heart problems, skin diseases and so on. Visits to doctors will begin, the use of various medications to treat symptoms, but the cause of the emerging diseases doctor won't be able to find out.
Ban by order, demand termination, come up with conditions, try to criticize.
There are two possible outcomes here:
Either yours chosen one will hide from you and communicate on the Internet when you are not around;
Or he will listen to you and stop correspondence at all. However, at the same time, sexual energy will remain in him, and subsequently will again ask for a way out. Of course, the man will try to suppress it, but it will turn into irritation and anger, which will be directed at you. After all, negative energy is mainly directed person on those people who are closest.
Of course, you can try to change your lover. However, as practice shows, it is not so easy to change a person, and in most cases such attempts end in failure. divorces.
Another option is to accept needs husband However, it still angers the female gender. And why? And all because women have the same need. Simply put, a man can afford to communicate with other girls in front of his wife, but a woman cannot. This is precisely what causes aggression, since one satisfies his needs, and the second simply blocks them. Psyche a person is structured like this: it is impossible to admit that this need still exists within the boundaries of one’s own morality, since the created image of a person is transformed, but at the same time, watch how your chosen one satisfies his desires very unpleasant and offensive. What to do?
First of all, it is necessary to understand and accept that there is no escape from this need, it is inherent in itself. nature. This is the same desire as eating, sleeping, and so on. Next, you need to recognize this need for yourself. And only then analyze why your lover directs this energy to other girls and not to you.
Why did this happen and what can be done?
It’s worth thinking about not what you don’t want, but rather what you want. What does your husband’s correspondence with girls mean to you? This is something different for every woman. For one, this means that her husband left her be in love. But in most cases this is not the case. Even when a man loves his wife, he still looks at other women. For another, such behavior of the spouse means disrespect. And the third is infuriated that her husband does as he wishes and does not obey her. And this is already a manifestation selfishness and the desire to completely own a person.
Awareness of your real motives through understanding your emotional state leads to the fact that aggression begins to subside. And then comes an understanding of how to correct the situation. If you want to subjugate your husband, you need to reduce this desire or do it openly. If you think your spouse has stopped loving you, sit down and discuss it's together.
And most importantly: why at the beginning of your relations all the energy was directed at each other, and then the husband began to pay attention to other girls? Perhaps it is worth changing something in your character or appearance so that your loved one forgets about the computer screen and looks only at his beautiful, interesting and successful wife. When one of spouses changes, then the second one also undergoes changes, because the family is an interconnected link. Worries are a waste of physical and mental energy that could be used beneficially. Direct it to the personal development. And when your soulmate notices that you are not standing still, you change, become better and your sexuality blossoms before our eyes, he will no longer want to spend his time in the virtual world with “strangers.” Love each other and be happy!
The women's site “Beautiful and Successful” has already discussed the situation when And our reader Shenoe asks: “ What to do if your husband has a pen pal? Have you encountered this?
Why would a married man correspond with a woman?
My own husband has been around for a very long time (even longer than he has known me) communicates via Internet with a girl, which I have never seen in reality in my life. Seeing her online, he shouts “Hurray, Natasha is finally on Skype!”, and the next hour is devoted to active correspondence. At the end of the “session,” my husband usually sends me greetings from his virtual friend and tells me the latest news from her life. In the three years that we have been married, she also got married, gave birth to a child, and communication has become rare, but still the friendship does not break...
Why am I telling all this? I hope the readers of the site will believe that yours truly is not a cuckold wife! 🙂
Which means there are cases of “honest” virtual friendship between a man and a woman!
Of course, I asked my husband, what attracts him to this communication. Can't someone close and real (me, for example) replace a distant Internet friend? What are they keeping secret about, what is the essence of their conversations? My husband smiled slyly: “About you, for example!” Who, if not a woman, will tell me about your feminine troubles? And you shouldn’t tell me - you’re using this arsenal of tricks on me!”
How to calm down and stop being jealous?
Let's say you know that your husband has an Internet friend. How can you understand that your husband is not flirting on the Internet, but simply chatting about all sorts of different things, without violating marital fidelity either physically or mentally?
Ask your husband introduce you to this woman.
Well, at least sit next to him when he is texting and ask him to say hello to his friend from his wife (she knows that he is married, right?). Ask your husband about her - just not in an alarmingly jealous tone (“Why is she texting you, doesn’t she have a man of her own?”), but calmly and without hysterics. The more and more willingly husband talks about his friend, the more reason for peace.
What is more dangerous: correspondence with a woman you know in reality or an “Internet stranger”?
If he knows her in real life, there is a risk that real intimate conversations will be added to virtual intimate conversations, and from sincerity there is only one step to betrayal...
On the other hand, before distant beautiful stranger and it’s very exciting to portray a macho man – she doesn’t know about the looming beer belly and the visible bald spot! You can put a photo of Johnny Depp on your avatar and the status “single” - the game is harmless, there will be no real meetings, what kind of betrayal is this?
In fact, it is useless to talk about more or less real risk.
If a man is determined to remain faithful, he will remain faithful., and the Internet is only a technical tool!
How to recognize “virtual betrayal”?
If there is something unclean there, the husband will not say anything at all. One terrible day, the wife will see the chat window left open and disaster will strike.
If you are already completely exhausted with thoughts on the topic “Isn’t my husband flirting on the Internet?”, then take it and read this very correspondence.
The advice may not be the most legitimate. But men are also cunning and intelligent creatures, and honest questions may yield nothing!
And so - one out of two: Either you will calm down and stop being jealous of your Internet friend, or you will find out the whole unpleasant truth right away. In any case, it’s better than walking around deceived!
Virtual friendship as an alarm signal
Or maybe it’s like this: you take the above advice into account, read your husband’s personal correspondence and realize that there is no betrayal as such, My husband doesn't flirt on the Internet.
But with her he is so sincere and frank, they discuss such different and complex topics - and when was the last time he communicated with you like that?! Why he is confiding with a stranger, not with his wife?
And this could be a warning sign. The spouses themselves do not notice, but the habitual everyday life crowds out conversations about lofty matters... Lunch, dinner, sex before bed, wallpapering on the weekend... And with an Internet friend you can forget about borscht and wallpaper, and discuss a recently read book or the prospects for the development of nanotechnology...
Such an outlet from everyday life!
If that's the case, no need to panic and yell at her husband: “Why are you talking about nanotechnology with her, but with me you just sleep and eat?!”
Try go for sincerity first. Tell us what you read, what excites you, what thoughts come to you... Perhaps your husband will be amazed that such communication between you is even possible, and gradually the role of a virtual girlfriend in his life will fade away!
In any case, you need to look for the problem, first of all, in yourself. Husband doesn't have to be faithful you - make him wanted to be faithful!
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The Internet has firmly entered the life of modern people. With its help, you can quickly find the information you need while maintaining your anonymity. The opportunity to “encrypt” themselves on the World Wide Web is actively used by male representatives. Many of them indulge in innocent entertainment in the form of virtual flirting, which shakes their nerves and excites their emotions.
At first glance, the situation may seem harmless. But as practice shows, it is precisely this kind of male prank that subsequently becomes a stumbling block in personal relationships. Virtual flirting is so addicting to young people that they begin to devote their free time to communicating on chat rooms, forums and dating sites. And for every question and reproach from his wife, the husband irritably asks him not to bother him.
Reasons for virtual dating?
It’s unpleasant to realize that your life partner devotes most of his time to an unknown woman whom he found on the virtual expanses of the Internet. He knows a minimum of information about her, but at the same time calls her in affectionate words, shares his experiences and problems. Why are young people so keen on virtual flirting, replacing real communication with their wife?
There may be several reasons.
- He is looking for a mistress.
- Thus, he wants to escape from life’s difficulties and talk about his problems and worries that he does not want to discuss with his wife.
- He wants to better understand female psychology through virtual flirting.
- He communicates with an old friend or his ex-partner.
Such correspondence poses a certain danger to family relationships. Frequent virtual intimate conversations can easily develop into a meeting in reality. And this significantly increases the risk of physical betrayal.
How to react to your husband’s virtual flirting?
Any betrayal on the part of a man, physical or spiritual, equally hurts the heart. But before you start a scandal with your husband, you need to make sure that such flirting is authentic. Through the browser history or using a special program, you can track which sites your partner visits and what information he views there.
If the spouse’s virtual flirting is confirmed, at the next stage it is necessary to find out the reason for its origin. Psychologists say:
“a man starts looking for flirting on the Internet if he has problems that he can’t solve.”
More often, such difficulties arise in personal relationships. Therefore, a woman needs to analyze the emotional situation in the house, her behavior and her husband in the relationship. The partner should be brought into a frank conversation to find out what worries him, excites him or does not suit him in his personal life. It must be remembered that only problems spoken out loud can be quickly resolved.
Sometimes personal problems are so hidden that only an experienced specialist - a family psychologist - can figure them out.
In any situation, prolonged virtual flirting should not be overlooked. Patience, feminine wisdom and perseverance in finding reasons will help return live communication and real emotions to relationships.
What to do if your husband communicates with someone else, video