Monogamy is, of course, very romantic. There is only He and She, the madness of passion, rings and “until death do us part.” All this is incredibly beautiful, but unrealistic. In life, men can equally passionately love two or even more women, create parallel families, support them morally and financially. There are also frequent cases of adultery, which are justified by natural instincts. Polygamy of men - what is it: an excuse for womanizers or a harsh reality? Let's figure it out.
Word to scientists: polygamy of men - what is it?
Geneticists and evolutionists are clearly on the side of womanizers. A group of scientists from Arizona analyzed the cellular structures of representatives of different races and nationalities and concluded that since time immemorial, men have had sex with multiple partners. It turns out that they were never characterized by fidelity, so it is irrational to demand that all men suddenly become monogamous.
Evolutionists went even further. They analyzed the specifics of sexual contacts among representatives of different species of the animal world and concluded that monogamy is generally not characteristic of biological beings. From an evolutionary perspective, this is a failed strategy because it jeopardizes the survival of the species.
Mammals that create stable pairs once and for life or at least for many years can be counted on the fingers of one hand. They are less than one tenth of one percent. These are the wolf, the duk-duk antelope and several other species. The rest are polygamous, including swans, whose fidelity is extolled in song and poetry.
Physiologists believe that not everything is so simple. They found a hormone that provokes people to cheat - arginine vasopressin. It is produced when a couple is on the verge of breaking up, and makes men gaze intently at the charms of the women around them. It would seem that you can exhale, because nothing threatens harmonious relationships. But no. The mere presence of these “surrounding women” with their charms is perceived by the brain as a threat to the breakup of the couple and gives a command to produce a hormone.
So, polygamy among men - what is it from a scientific point of view? Only biological necessity, nothing personal. This is an evolutionary mechanism that nature has perfected over thousands of years so that our species can successfully reproduce, adapt and conquer the planet. But a person is quite capable of suppressing instincts for the sake of cultural and social norms, so one should not attribute everything to nature.
The Good News: Not All Men Are Equally Polygamous
There is a decent percentage of men who are able to remain faithful to their chosen ones for many years and even their entire lives.
So the girls still have a chance to make their fairytale dream come true. In addition to natural polygamy, there is another biological mechanism - sexual imprinting. It ensures the fidelity of the few monogamous animals in nature and is to some extent characteristic of humans. The social factor is also important.
Modern culture extols monogamy as the correct model of sexual relationships, and religion insists on the absence of premarital relations and marital fidelity. All this matters too. Many romantically minded men perceive sex as an integral part of love and do not look for connections on the side. There are also men who clearly separate love and sex, so they do not see a sin in cheating, even if they sincerely love their wives.
It turns out that it is enough for a woman to choose a monogamous man for him to be faithful to her all his life? No matter how it is! Monogamous sexuality does not guarantee a monogamous relationship. This is such a paradox. A monogamous man is very selective in his relationships. At the same time, he is capable of falling passionately in love if he meets the right woman. Love comes first for him, so the likelihood of divorce and a new marriage is very high.
Polygamous men perceive sex as a simple physiological need and can satisfy it with anyone, so they choose a wife or permanent partner with a clear head. After getting married, such men still remain indiscriminate in sex, but extremely rarely leave their wives because of affairs on the side. Their families are built not on passion, but on common sense, and therefore are strong.
Looking at the explanatory dictionary, you can see that a polygamous man is a person who simultaneously maintains sexual relationships with several women (two or more). In addition, the concept of female polygamy is highlighted.
History of polygamy
There was no such thing as monogamy at all. For our distant ancestors, polygamy was simply necessary - only thanks to it was it possible to constantly continue the clan and increase its number. In turn, this is what allowed the tribe to survive in harsh conditions. The hierarchy within the tribe itself was of great importance. Thus, the leader, the strongest representative of the genus, had the unconditional right to fertilize any of the females, and after him, in descending order of importance, the other males. At the same time, stronger and more resilient children were born from stronger males. Why is the word “polygamy” now most often used in a negative context?
Transition from polygamy to monogamy
As evolution progressed, more stable and strong ties began to emerge between individual representatives of different tribes. Even the beginnings of marriage appeared. However, they continued to be based on polygamy. A husband could have any number of women on his side, but his wife, in case of betrayal, risked being stoned. By the way, it was in this version that harems were born.
Over time, issues of property division began to arise. They were solved very simply - since males dominated society, a male child should also inherit everything. In order not to leave all the property acquired over a long life to someone else's offspring, the head of the family had to be sure of his paternity. This is where the question of determining paternity arose. Nowadays, this problem is solved in just a couple of hours - the child and father undergo special tests, and then find out the result almost instantly. Then the only way out of the situation was monogamous marriage.
Religions played a major role in the strengthening and development of monogamous marriage. In parallel, purely human relationships developed - in addition to the natural instinct to prolong one’s own kind, affection and feelings began to play the role.
Is it true that all men are polygamous?
Many representatives of the stronger sex justify their love affairs by saying that they are polygamous by nature and are unable to resist the influence of instincts. The question naturally suggests itself: “Perhaps a polygamous man is normal?” Let's try to figure it out.
Why are men polygamous? It is believed that the reason really lies in ancient instincts - primitive males tried to impregnate as many females as possible and leave as many heirs as possible. Is it likely that these instincts are still active today?
Physiologically, men are indeed prone to polygamy. However, we should not forget about the ability to think and act contrary to the call of nature. Therefore, it is not easy to remain faithful to a man all his life, but it is possible. However, not only the husband, but also the wife needs to remember this - by surrounding her “male” with love, care, understanding, giving him everything he needs for happiness, she protects herself from betrayal. After all, a decent person who knows how to be grateful will appreciate what his chosen one does for him. And at least out of a sense of respect, he will not hurt her feelings by going “to the left.”
However, there are people who believe that cheating on the male side is normal; they sincerely do not understand why girls are so categorical about this. The main thing here is to be initially honest with your other half, immediately dotting all the i’s.
What about them?
We have already found out what polygamous means. Now let's talk about the common myth that all animals are polygamous. This is far from true. Relationships between representatives of different sexes in the animal world are also built differently. For example, some birds get together only for the period of hatching eggs and hatching chicks, and the next time they look for new partners. There are arctic foxes, foxes and even some species of fish that practice an exclusively monogamous lifestyle. But, say, beavers can behave differently depending on their habitat.
It is noteworthy that in the animal world, even polygamous males try to impregnate strong, healthy females. A polygamous person, hiding behind his instincts, most likely does not even think about procreation and survival. At a minimum, in this case, he should have chosen exactly those women who could theoretically bear and give birth to healthy offspring (strong, with wide hips, and not just beautiful breasts). If this is not the case, then talk about polygamy is nothing more than empty words to justify one’s own promiscuity.
Benefits of Polygamous Relationships
So, polygamous relationships are a form of contact between men and women in which one partner maintains contact with several people of the opposite sex simultaneously (yes, polygamy is characteristic not only of men, but also of some women).
Let's leave aside questions of morality and look at what advantages a polygamous family can have. Let us immediately note that we are not talking about one-time infidelities, but about a real polygamous family (as in where a man can have several wives at once). Moreover, this is a full-fledged family, where each member has his own responsibilities, rights, etc.
Actually, the main advantages of polygamous families:
- from a biological point of view, a variety of sexual relationships has a beneficial effect on the vitality of the offspring;
- a polygamous family is a rather difficult step for a woman, and if she agrees to this, then only on the terms of a deliberate agreement;
- as a consequence of the previous paragraph, the divorce rate in polygamous families is practically zero.
In addition, it should be mentioned that men can have multiple wives (in countries where this is allowed) only if they have enough money to support the entire harem. That is, the wives of this “sultan” will be 100% sure that their children will never need anything, will not starve and will receive a decent education.
Disadvantages of Polygamous Relationships
Now let's talk about the cons. First of all, a polygamous man is a person who must pay enough attention to each of his partners. To put it mildly, few succeed in this. And although no one in the family lacks material wealth, some psychological discomfort may still occur.
You should also not think that you can get used to a polygamous marriage, and that over time there will not be a hint of jealousy. Most likely, you will simply have to come to terms with it as an inevitable fact, but nothing more.
On top of that, it has been noticed that a polygamous person, who already scatters his attention among several partners, devotes less time to children.
Polygamy and domestic mentality
Someone might object and cite the example of happy polygamous families in the East. However, there are several factors to consider. Firstly, polygamy is not prohibited by Islam (unlike Christianity, which is widespread among us). Secondly, girls are raised in this culture from a very early age; they are psychologically prepared to become a “senior” or “junior” wife.
It should also be taken into account that in Arab countries women have practically no rights. Our girls, who have fallen under the powerful current of expansion, are unlikely to be able to share their man with someone. Therefore, the legalization of polygamous marriages in our country, most likely, will not lead to anything good - there is simply no suitable psychological foundation for this, which has been formed over centuries.
Does female polygamy exist?
Unlike men, women do not have historical background for this phenomenon. The fair sex simply does not have the appropriate mechanisms. Female polygamy is nothing more than a psychological phenomenon, even a deviation from the norm. After all, girls are genetically programmed not to have children from as many males as possible, but to choose the strongest, hardiest and most intelligent representative of the species and give birth to offspring from him. In fact, polygamous women go against the genetic code and their natural destiny.
How to feel about polygamy?
No matter how we feel about this phenomenon, a polygamous man is a fairly common phenomenon. And the only logical way out of the situation is to do everything possible to ensure that the partner is so happy and satisfied that he cannot hear the call of nature.
All male infidelities occur not at all from what is inherent in nature, but from lack of confidence in their abilities. At a certain age, a man can no longer, as they say, “conform,” but no one wants to admit his powerlessness. So the attempts begin to prove to oneself that everything is not so bad, that you just need to find a young mistress who can provide the intensity of passions. And if a man is okay in this regard, he and his wife will find a way to have fun. He doesn’t need to prove anything and test his strength on other women. So I think it's time for men to learn to call a spade a spade. There is no need to trumpet your polygamy on all corners and look for more and more new women. You just need to find a good urologist and buy an effective medicine.
Roman, 39 years old, engineer
I'm still not married. And not because I never found a woman who would want to connect her fate with me. There were just a lot of them. But I understand perfectly well that I cannot live my whole life with one partner. It’s the way I’m designed that, a few months after I met, a woman begins to bore me. That's why I don't want to deceive anyone. I warn my friends in advance that our romance will never develop into lifelong love. I immediately tell them that there is no need to make far-reaching plans. We will try to enjoy our meeting, and then each of us will go our own way. Maybe as I get older I’ll want to build some kind of serious relationship, but I don’t think I’ll ever change. I believe that any real man should change women periodically. Only then will he remain a man, and not turn into a sexless creature, interested only in watching football on TV and the cutlets that his wife cooked. After all, every new hobby forces us to keep ourselves in shape. Without this, men begin to gradually decline, stop taking care of themselves and grow old ahead of time.
Oleg, 45 years old, driver
I met my wife when we were in third grade. We've been together ever since. We have a great family; we have two children. And not once in all these years have I looked at another woman. So all the talk about male polygamy is lies. Probably, people who are prone to cheating simply have not found their soulmate. And this can happen to both a man and a woman. It seems to me that true love does not fade over time, but only becomes stronger. After all, every day you become more and more attached to your beloved, she becomes more and more dear to you. And if you are pulled “to the left,” it means that some problems have arisen in your relationship with your wife. And you need to look for a solution within the family, and not outside. After all, cheating, contrary to popular belief, will not make you happier. Even if your lover is younger and more beautiful than your wife, she is unlikely to be able to give you the warmth that any person needs in a relationship. After all, it comes only with time, when you get to know a person better, learn to forgive his shortcomings and begin to understand him no worse than yourself. Over all these years, my wife has become the closest person to me. And I simply have no need to look for happiness on the side. I understand perfectly well that no mistress will become closer to me. But you can easily lose your wife’s trust, and this thought also keeps me from cheating. One wrong step can destroy everything that has been created over the years.
Mikhail, 37 years old, manager
It is so inherent in nature that one male should impregnate as many females as possible. And we men are by no means an exception here. For example, I love my wife very much and am not going to destroy our family. But without affairs on the side, I simply begin to waste away. Well, I'm bored of being with one woman all the time! From time to time you need to somehow shake yourself up and get new sensations. By the way, after my relationships with my mistresses end, I always begin to understand that my wife is the best woman in the world. And our new honeymoon begins. I give her expensive gifts, we go on vacation. Yes, I feel guilty. Every time I suffer from remorse when I take on another mistress. But I can’t do otherwise! For me it's like stopping breathing or stopping eating. Apparently, you can’t argue with nature, and the tendency to cheat is inherent in the character of every man.
Irina, 35 years old, technologist
It seems to me that the reason for male infidelity is not at all polygamy, which is supposedly characteristic of the stronger sex. It's just easier for men to find a partner. According to statistics, for every 10 girls there are not even 9 guys, but much less. And after a certain age, a woman’s chances of finding a man are reduced to almost zero. While a man, like good cognac, only gets better with age. Well, how can the poor resist temptations if there are young girls around who literally jump into bed themselves? Naturally, not everyone can resist temptation. I think women would behave the same way if given the opportunity. Think about it, would it be easy for you to resist if there were a crowd of broad-shouldered handsome men around you, vying with each other to offer their love? I have no doubt that sooner or later you would have responded to such a call, and your vaunted feminine fidelity would have been forgotten for a while. In general, I think that polygamy is equally characteristic of both sexes. It’s just that men have more chances to realize their desires and find connections on the side.
Tatyana, 48 years old, accountant
I've been married three times. And each of my husbands cheated on me. Apparently, they really are designed in such a way that they cannot live without it. Each of them took mistresses, and as soon as I found out about them, he repented and begged for forgiveness. I forgave, they promised that this would never happen again, but after a while I again found out about another mistress. In general, every man is capable of betrayal. And even if you think your marriage is perfect, it doesn't mean anything. You just came across a person who is smart enough to hide his tricks. With age, I even stopped worrying about this - why spoil my nerves if it is impossible to change the situation. Now I'm married again. And I know very well that my husband has a girlfriend. But I pretend that I don’t notice anything and believe all his vague explanations that he invents to justify his absences. Why should I make a scandal? The husband will not stop cheating, so there is no need to sort things out once again.
“Men are polygamous, and women are monogamous”, “all men walk to the left, this is male nature”, “women always wait for their one and only” - such opinions can be found with amazing frequency both on the Internet and in decent communication. These stereotypes are sometimes so persistent that it never occurs to us to question them. However, how true are they?
What do scientists say?
In nature, approximately 90% of bird species and 5% of mammals are monogamous (that is, they create stable pairs and raise offspring together), and among primates (which scientists also include humans) this figure is 23%. Scientists are still debating what kind of species Homo Sapience is by nature - polygamous or monogamous.
Some researchers believe that people are polygamous and the biological task of a man in this case is to impregnate as many women as possible, and the task of a woman is to become pregnant from the most status and physically strong man.
But this point of view is not confirmed by historians and anthropologists. According to them, our ancestors, just like modern primitive tribes, formed couples to live together and raise children. Such unions were beneficial from the point of view of population survival, since they allowed both parents to share responsibilities and care for the offspring. According to researcher Tom Smith, “such marriages on the one hand guaranteed the wife and children the care and support of the husband/father, and on the other hand, they guaranteed the husband that the children in whom he was investing his resources were from him. Contrary to popular belief, societies did not exist and do not exist where sexual and love relationships were not regulated by tradition or law. These traditions may be more or less rigid, but they are always there.” However, no matter what point of view scientists adhere to, they agree that all people should be considered monogamous or polygamous, without making a distinction between men and women.
Speaking about the differences between men and women, scientists also often point out that men have higher levels of testosterone, a hormone responsible, among other things, for sexual desire. But based on this, it cannot be concluded that men are prone to polygamy, since testosterone stimulates precisely sexual desire, and not the desire to have as many sexual partners as possible.
What do sociologists and psychologists say?
If we were writing an article about hamsters or dwarf jerboas, then the discussion could end there - all biological theories have been dismantled, there is nothing further to discuss. However, humans, unlike animals, are not controlled by physiology and hormones alone. Therefore, let's look at how the sexual behavior of men and women differs, based on modern sociological research.
In general, according to the results of surveys and social experiments, men do tend to have more sexual partners, move on to sexual relationships more quickly, and even think about sex more often than women. As a result of a social experiment conducted in the United States, 72% of men agreed to have sex with a pretty stranger. While all the women who participated in the experiment refused to have sex with a handsome stranger.
According to one survey, American men on average would prefer to have 18 sexual partners in their lifetime, while women on average preferred to stop at 4. But in reality, both men and women had approximately the same number of sexual partners (4 for men and 3.5 for women). In addition, a fairly large percentage of Americans, regardless of gender, remain faithful to one partner all their lives (among people over 60 years old this is 40%, and among thirty-year-olds 25%).
In other words, in sociological surveys, both men and women, as a rule, express only their desired position, trying to comply as much as possible with social norms, which prescribe that a man should strive to have many sexual partners, and a woman should strive to find “the one.” The real situation may differ significantly from what it appears on the basis of dry statistics. In practice, the number of sexual partners differs little between men and women.
What is the attitude towards the ideas of polygamy/monogamy/infidelity in Russia?
According to surveys by the Levada Center, regardless of gender, the majority of Russians (63%) consider adultery unacceptable. Among men, those who do not see anything reprehensible in cheating are 34%, while among women - 16%. But these differences are not significant enough to suggest that men are more accepting of or more likely to cheat. Regardless of gender, Russians most often aim for monogamy in permanent relationships.
In a word, each person builds his own personal life and decides for himself how many sexual partners he will have - one, a couple of dozen, or none at all. But whatever choice we make, it is we who make it, and not the X or Y chromosomes in our DNA.
In our society, it is generally accepted that polygamy has long been inherent in men. In any family scandals or premarital quarrels due to men’s infidelity, most women tend to agree with the statement that it is common for the opposite sex to have more than one, or even two, women in love relationships. For many men, the definition of polygamy gives confidence and a certain authority. In fact, this is a woman’s desire to justify the misdeeds of her man in the eyes of surrounding family and friends. You should not be led by ancient statements about polygamy.
The concept of male polygamy in society is a series of confusing myths and a lack of knowledge about the origin of the word itself. Evidence and clear examples from psychology and the science of the animal world will put everything in its place.
The most common theory about polygamy in men is to compare them to males in the animal kingdom. We are talking about an instinct inherent in male animals by nature, which strive to take possession of many partners of the opposite sex.
But, as you know, animals do not pursue the goal of receiving pleasure from copulation. The instinct of males to mate awakens at the moment when the females begin to estrus and the time comes to have offspring. A strong, leading male in a pack has the right to mate with any female, in order to pass on all the important and necessary genes for the survival of the future generation. The female, in turn, mates with the majority of males of her kind, giving the opportunity to be the father of her children to the one whose sperm wins the “battle” for the egg. Based on this, animals strive to prolong their kind, giving birth to a stronger and more adapted descendant of their kind. Also, when mating with several males, the female counts on their support, protection and gratitude from the outside.
There are monogamous animals whose fidelity can be admired: wolves (one male owns a single female, they live in pairs for many years and break up only when one of the partners dies), Kirk's dik-dik antelopes are also monogamous animals (the male mates with his only female, and expels the matured offspring from their territory).
In the human world, a woman does not know the exact days of her ovulation, and this period is not the very moment for her readiness for sexual intercourse. A woman, like a man, enter into sexual relations by mutual desire at any time convenient for them. The male sex does not need to strive to find another woman who is ovulating in order to prolong his race. Touching upon the moment of conception, as is known, only one sperm, the strongest and most persistent, is able to reach the egg and fertilize it. After this, neither of them can hope to do the same with an egg. Hence the conclusion that the body itself and all the processes occurring in it indicate that a man and a woman are monogamous.
Historical versions of male polygamy are distorted by modern concepts. Due to wars, terrible diseases and high mortality, there were many fewer men than women in ancient times. But to continue human existence and increase the birth rate, polygamy was tolerated in Europe out of necessity. Husbands who returned as winners or simply survived were forced to take several girls as wives at once. But after going through these stages, humanity strived for monogamous marriages. Subsequently, people from noble strata, with great wealth, authority and passion, could boast of polygamy. But all their women were legal wives, and the children produced in marriage were surrounded by care, affection and love. The husband treated his concubines responsibly. As is known, some died as old maids in their golden cages. Now in the modern world, polygamy is prohibited by law, religion and the norm in society.
In fact, men cheat not only because of animal instinct, heredity or the like. Lack of maternal love, domineering parents who suppressed the child’s will, internal insecurity and complexes, unwillingness to assign responsibility, the search for all the desired qualities in one person, but not finding them, compensates for them in many others. Also, women themselves become the cause of betrayal, pushing men onto the path of infidelity. We simply do not have the right to blame instincts, genetics and something else for betrayal.
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